Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen....to the first of our How-To series in Funeral Etiquette.
You see, it's very important not to embarrass oneself at a funeral, especially where your attire is concerned. For this first installment of the new How-To series, we're going to go over some fashion protocol.
Wait, you want to know why I am schooling you on such a remedial subject? I'll tell you: Everything described here has been personally witnessed by me at a funeral. I speak from actual eye-witness encounters!
Let's begin.
If you are male: The basic fashion rules apply here.
NO:
Socks and Sandals
Wacky Hats
T-shirts with a logo or offensive saying (Yes, leave the Hooters shirt at home.)
Soiled or dirty clothing
That is all. You see, men have limited fashion options, as compared to women. Here is a short list of recommended attire for you gentlemen.
DO:
Wear slacks
Wear a shirt that is neat and clean
Wear shoes
Now, Ladies....your no-no list is longer.
NO:
Cleavage revealing shirts (I can guarantee you, the ONLY guys checking out your rack = the funeral director and his assistant. Gross.)
Hemlines above the knee (I can guarantee you, the ONLY guys checking out your legs/butt are the funeral director and his assistant. Seriously.)
No skin-tight pants, leggings, jeans (Streetwalker much?)
No tall heels (There is a variety of terrain you'll be covering- carpet and hardwood in churches, grass and dirt at the graveside, squishy grass that's just been watered- really, you'll teeter around and be totally uncomfortable)
Strapless anything (while everyone is mourning the loss of their loved one, you're hiking your top up to cover the girls. Classy.)
ANY piece of clothing that you're constantly adjusting, period. Whether it's your top you're hiking up, your pants you're pulling down, your dress you're slouching in to cover your...well, I hope you get the point.
Ladies who dress in a revealing manner at a funeral just come off as desperate and having low self esteem. I mean, really, why did you wear that short dress anyway? Did Aunt Sally like that dress? Prolly not. You wanted attention. And in a dress like that, you wanted male attention. I have NEVER, not once, seen anyone "hook up" at a funeral. The best way for you to call positive attention to yourself is to comfort the family with your words, not with your breasts hanging out everywhere.
Please notice I did not talk about color. Nowadays, it's perfectly acceptable not to wear black. While I prefer it, it's not necessary to wear black to convey your sadness. I've had plenty of funerals where it's been requested that attendees wear a specific color or style. That's pretty awesome.
I can't stress enough- no one is looking at your goods, except the funeral directors. We aren't all perverts, it's just that we have no emotional attachment to the deceased, and we do alot of standing around. So, go ahead, display your goods, if you want that aged guy handing out the prayer cards to stare at you the whole time.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Who are you again?
I wish I could remember every member of every family I've served. I mean that, in a non snarky, sincere way.
There is nothing worse than a family member recognizing you, smiling and calling you by your first name, and I honestly cannot remember who they are. I always remember their face. Always. I usually remember how long ago I served them, but for the life of me, I can't remember their names.
It bothers me because I like to give my best possible service to their family to get them through their tough times of mourning, and make the service they plan (or if they aren't having services, their arrangement meeting) the easiest experience possible for them. I do this because it's my job and I like what I do.
But I feel guilty when I don't remember who in their family died, or their name.
Please don't judge your funeral director for this, they can't remember your loved one's name either. You see, since January, I've met with roughly 120 families....that's only a roundabout estimate in my head. And with each of those 120 families, very seldom is it just one family member making the arrangements. Commonly, 3-4 members of a decedent's family come in, sometimes more, and I've had as many as 17 people in a room, making arrangements for one relative.
(on a side note, DON'T bring 17 people to a funeral arrangement meeting. Don't bring 7. Bring 3-4 people who are decision makers for the family and are going to be financially responsible for the services. Anything over 4 and you're asking for confusion, hurt feelings, and a frazzled funeral director. Funeral arrangements aren't a city council meeting to sit and debate things over.)
Don't expect me to remember your name, just know that I remember serving you, and I hope it was the best service it could have been. It's nothing personal.
There is nothing worse than a family member recognizing you, smiling and calling you by your first name, and I honestly cannot remember who they are. I always remember their face. Always. I usually remember how long ago I served them, but for the life of me, I can't remember their names.
It bothers me because I like to give my best possible service to their family to get them through their tough times of mourning, and make the service they plan (or if they aren't having services, their arrangement meeting) the easiest experience possible for them. I do this because it's my job and I like what I do.
But I feel guilty when I don't remember who in their family died, or their name.
Please don't judge your funeral director for this, they can't remember your loved one's name either. You see, since January, I've met with roughly 120 families....that's only a roundabout estimate in my head. And with each of those 120 families, very seldom is it just one family member making the arrangements. Commonly, 3-4 members of a decedent's family come in, sometimes more, and I've had as many as 17 people in a room, making arrangements for one relative.
(on a side note, DON'T bring 17 people to a funeral arrangement meeting. Don't bring 7. Bring 3-4 people who are decision makers for the family and are going to be financially responsible for the services. Anything over 4 and you're asking for confusion, hurt feelings, and a frazzled funeral director. Funeral arrangements aren't a city council meeting to sit and debate things over.)
Don't expect me to remember your name, just know that I remember serving you, and I hope it was the best service it could have been. It's nothing personal.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Your family is tough...
And I'm carrying 9 right now. Nine different families, right now, are all depending on me to make sure their services and wishes are completed as ordered.
I've noticed, after you shoulder the 4th or 5th family in a row, my brain starts to mud up, get foggy, and I forget things...little things, like the fact that I had to go to the restroom but I just don't have time since obituaries have deadlines. Or that I told my mother I'd call her back, but then I got busy and I had to put her on the shelf with the other things I'm forced to ignore- my own family, friends, parties, luncheons, shopping dates, concerts, grocery shopping, yardwork, housecleaning. And no, I don't make enough to pay someone else to do my yardwork or housecleaning for me.
I come home, and in order to avoid drinking or substance abuse, I go see my horse, surf the internet, or watch a movie. I don't want to do anything else but vegetate. Only when we're busy.
If I'm serving 4 or fewer families, I can still go on about my life, being a responsible adult.
Each family has quirks. Some are chatty and don't want to leave, sitting with me for hours. Others don't want to be at the funeral home any more than is longer, and they jet out the door as soon as our paperwork is done. Others hate each other, and don't want to make a fuss in front of a stranger, let alone a strange funeral director, and others hate me, simply for what I do. Some hug me, crying, thankful that I'm there, others barely give me a parting glance on their way out.
I'll be honest.
After taking on 5 or more families in a row, I need to look at your file to remember who you are, who your loved one is, and what we've talked about. I take meticulous notes to remind me. As soon as I see your loved one's name, it usually floods back. Like raking up leaves, each name is in the pile in my brain, and I need to sift through the pile to find the exact leaf. The process is the same, but each family is different.
I make mistakes when I have so many funerals scheduled. Mistakes you'll never see. Mistakes that I'll never tell you about, since it's my job to make everything stress-free, flawless. Something already went wrong, that's why you had to see me, so nothing else can go wrong now. I can't let it. Your casket should've arrived yesterday, it didn't. I sent a driver to get it directly from the warehouse, and had it rushed down to the funeral home, at our expense. You wouldn't have known. The flowers you ordered arrived wilted, I called the florist, had her whisk down with fresher looking ones, and you never knew. There was a stain on the white shirt you dropped off for your loved one to wear. I soaked it overnight with a touch of bleach, and it came out sparkling clean. You didn't notice, but had that stain been there, you'd have seen it. It would've tarnished the image in your head. So many things we do, covering up other's mistakes, to make the experience tarnish free. So many instances, we just fade into the background, letting you have your ideal funeral, and you never knew otherwise.
I've noticed, after you shoulder the 4th or 5th family in a row, my brain starts to mud up, get foggy, and I forget things...little things, like the fact that I had to go to the restroom but I just don't have time since obituaries have deadlines. Or that I told my mother I'd call her back, but then I got busy and I had to put her on the shelf with the other things I'm forced to ignore- my own family, friends, parties, luncheons, shopping dates, concerts, grocery shopping, yardwork, housecleaning. And no, I don't make enough to pay someone else to do my yardwork or housecleaning for me.
I come home, and in order to avoid drinking or substance abuse, I go see my horse, surf the internet, or watch a movie. I don't want to do anything else but vegetate. Only when we're busy.
If I'm serving 4 or fewer families, I can still go on about my life, being a responsible adult.
Each family has quirks. Some are chatty and don't want to leave, sitting with me for hours. Others don't want to be at the funeral home any more than is longer, and they jet out the door as soon as our paperwork is done. Others hate each other, and don't want to make a fuss in front of a stranger, let alone a strange funeral director, and others hate me, simply for what I do. Some hug me, crying, thankful that I'm there, others barely give me a parting glance on their way out.
I'll be honest.
After taking on 5 or more families in a row, I need to look at your file to remember who you are, who your loved one is, and what we've talked about. I take meticulous notes to remind me. As soon as I see your loved one's name, it usually floods back. Like raking up leaves, each name is in the pile in my brain, and I need to sift through the pile to find the exact leaf. The process is the same, but each family is different.
I make mistakes when I have so many funerals scheduled. Mistakes you'll never see. Mistakes that I'll never tell you about, since it's my job to make everything stress-free, flawless. Something already went wrong, that's why you had to see me, so nothing else can go wrong now. I can't let it. Your casket should've arrived yesterday, it didn't. I sent a driver to get it directly from the warehouse, and had it rushed down to the funeral home, at our expense. You wouldn't have known. The flowers you ordered arrived wilted, I called the florist, had her whisk down with fresher looking ones, and you never knew. There was a stain on the white shirt you dropped off for your loved one to wear. I soaked it overnight with a touch of bleach, and it came out sparkling clean. You didn't notice, but had that stain been there, you'd have seen it. It would've tarnished the image in your head. So many things we do, covering up other's mistakes, to make the experience tarnish free. So many instances, we just fade into the background, letting you have your ideal funeral, and you never knew otherwise.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Why I don't want you to buy a casket online....
Why I don't want you to buy a casket online-
At least without talking to me first.
This just happened to me, and let me tell you, the family that bought their casket online are a sweet, hardworking, frugal family. The wanted a deal, and as a frugal person myself, I can't slight that idea.
However, as I unpacked the dirty refrigerator box that the casket arrived in, I noticed what I always notice with shipped in caskets. The paint stinks. The plastic flower shaped emblems on the side are falling off. (or sometimes they are stickers that are already peeling off) The cap that covers the casket lock is yellow metallic, while the rest of the plastic handles are rose metallic. The lid doesn't quite open properly, and the interior is dusty, with a hint of grime in the lid. The hinge is flimsy, and the handles creak when the empty casket is lifted up. On the head of the casket, at the bottom, a label- "Made in China".
My frustration isn't that I didn't sell a casket. Really, that doesn't matter to me. I don't work on commission, so whether the families I serve purchase a cardboard box for cremation or a gold plated casket for their loved one, I don't care one bit. (Well, maybe a little, those gold and bronze ones are way too heavy!)
So you ask again, why do I care? Well, here's a few reasons:
By upselling the consumer or insulting their desire to purchase frugally, it breaks the fragile trust that families have with their funeral director. They trust that what they have requested, be it cremation or burial, will go off without a hitch. If I were to try sneaky tactics to make money off people, their faith in me is lost, and now they're questioning every move I make. I don't want a family doubting my ability to serve them.
We are called bloodsuckers, nasty devils that take advantage of people in a vulnerable state, and this hurts, since I bend over backwards for my families- even purchasing music out of my own pocket (not reimbursed for this) for their services because they don't know how to, driving to their houses to finish paperwork, calling every single dixieland band in the area for prices, writing and submitting obituaries that are 3 pages long for them, listening to them telling me "no, move those flowers 1/2 inch to the left", answering questions on the phone at 3am. It's my job to perform duties to my families' expectations- it's what I went to school for, it's what I love doing. The best thing that families do for me is send me Thank You cards- they make my day more than anything!
I'd also like to say for those that wish to perform their own funerals, the do-it-yourself folks who don't feel they need a funeral director- I'm fine with that. I think that people who get their own burial permits, take their loved ones to the cemetery, handle all aspects of their loved one's death are strong minded, and it probably brings a huge amount of satisfaction and closure to them. I admire that, and wish that more funerals and wakes were held in the home- a funeral home can be intimidating and cold.
I don't want to serve you if you don't want to be served. I mean that in a polite way, I mean that very respectfully. You are not required to come to my workplace and use our services. But if you do, please say something if you want a less expensive casket than you see at the funeral home. Chances are good that I can meet your price.
And if you order online anyway, I can't do anything about it. I'll still serve you, because that's what I do.
At least without talking to me first.
This just happened to me, and let me tell you, the family that bought their casket online are a sweet, hardworking, frugal family. The wanted a deal, and as a frugal person myself, I can't slight that idea.
However, as I unpacked the dirty refrigerator box that the casket arrived in, I noticed what I always notice with shipped in caskets. The paint stinks. The plastic flower shaped emblems on the side are falling off. (or sometimes they are stickers that are already peeling off) The cap that covers the casket lock is yellow metallic, while the rest of the plastic handles are rose metallic. The lid doesn't quite open properly, and the interior is dusty, with a hint of grime in the lid. The hinge is flimsy, and the handles creak when the empty casket is lifted up. On the head of the casket, at the bottom, a label- "Made in China".
My frustration isn't that I didn't sell a casket. Really, that doesn't matter to me. I don't work on commission, so whether the families I serve purchase a cardboard box for cremation or a gold plated casket for their loved one, I don't care one bit. (Well, maybe a little, those gold and bronze ones are way too heavy!)
So you ask again, why do I care? Well, here's a few reasons:
- If I sell the casket, ordering it and ensuring that it arrives safely and undamaged is my problem. I can have it arrive on a specific day, and if there's an issue, my casket supplier is 25 minutes away, and eager to please me- if I'm unhappy with anything at all, I have a fresh casket here in no time. If you order online, I can't help you if you're unhappy with your purchase, can't be your advocate in case you want an exchange.
- I can order it for a specific delivery day and time, to make sure it doesn't arrive too early or too late.
- Our caskets are made in the USA, and the quality of them is much higher. The paint is smooth, doesn't smell of cheap glue in the interior, the hinges are solid, and things rarely fall off.
- I don't have to unpack the ones I order. I don't have to tear apart a cardboard box, dispose of several huge pieces of styrofoam, and try to clean the casket up before the family sees it. It takes 3 times as long to prepare the casket to be seen by the public because of this mess.
- I can price match!! I cannot speak for other funeral homes, but where I work, if a family mentions that they saw a casket online, all they need to do is bring me a printout (or email the link) of the casket they want, and I can almost always find the equivalent in my catalogs. If I can't find an equivalent casket, I'll tell you straight up, "go ahead and order that casket, it's a great deal." I recognize that price is the bottom line, and I am not going to upsell you, or make you feel guilty for wanting a less expensive casket.
By upselling the consumer or insulting their desire to purchase frugally, it breaks the fragile trust that families have with their funeral director. They trust that what they have requested, be it cremation or burial, will go off without a hitch. If I were to try sneaky tactics to make money off people, their faith in me is lost, and now they're questioning every move I make. I don't want a family doubting my ability to serve them.
We are called bloodsuckers, nasty devils that take advantage of people in a vulnerable state, and this hurts, since I bend over backwards for my families- even purchasing music out of my own pocket (not reimbursed for this) for their services because they don't know how to, driving to their houses to finish paperwork, calling every single dixieland band in the area for prices, writing and submitting obituaries that are 3 pages long for them, listening to them telling me "no, move those flowers 1/2 inch to the left", answering questions on the phone at 3am. It's my job to perform duties to my families' expectations- it's what I went to school for, it's what I love doing. The best thing that families do for me is send me Thank You cards- they make my day more than anything!
I'd also like to say for those that wish to perform their own funerals, the do-it-yourself folks who don't feel they need a funeral director- I'm fine with that. I think that people who get their own burial permits, take their loved ones to the cemetery, handle all aspects of their loved one's death are strong minded, and it probably brings a huge amount of satisfaction and closure to them. I admire that, and wish that more funerals and wakes were held in the home- a funeral home can be intimidating and cold.
I don't want to serve you if you don't want to be served. I mean that in a polite way, I mean that very respectfully. You are not required to come to my workplace and use our services. But if you do, please say something if you want a less expensive casket than you see at the funeral home. Chances are good that I can meet your price.
And if you order online anyway, I can't do anything about it. I'll still serve you, because that's what I do.
Friday, June 19, 2009
When you care enough to send the very best...
A problem seen commonly in families I serve are the "overachievers" in the mourning department.
These are almost always close relatives, and for some reason unbeknownst to myself, they feel that the amount of focus they deliver to the smallest details is somehow directly in correlation to the level of their love for the deceased.
Case in point-
A father passes away. The family chooses the services they wish, they go over the service details with the funeral director, ordering flowers, cards, etc. One relative, and it's always just one, will worry about the smallest details. This person will worry about the font that the service order is printed in, they'll worry about which side of the chapel people will be entering on, the temperature of the water that is available, and whether or not the clergy will be clean shaven. They will call at all hours of the night, uncaring about the time or the fact that you need just a moment to shake the cobwebs out of your head before answering their question at 2 AM.
They call to ask what shade of blue the carpet in the funeral home is, what amperage the lighting will be at, and if we'll know to make sure the A/C is on in the chapel on a 99 degree day. (light to medium, 55 watt, and yes, we don't like heat either and we're not stupid)
Let me say that this is a detail oriented business. I want your input at an arrangement so that I can ensure that all goes well. I want you to tell me "roses, not lilies", or "white casket not green". This is important. I am not complaining about this. It is my job to take your request and make it happen. You want doves? I get doves. You want cookies for everyone? I get cookies.
What I am frustrated by is this: "We don't want anyone to send any pink flowers. Can you make sure that doesn't happen?" or... "This card stock isn't heavy enough for the service folders, why don't you have heavier paper?"
As funeral directors, we all know that you are in mourning. You have lost someone special to you. You don't need to prove it. Sitting back and letting me do my job is so much easier on you than stressing about whether you should arrive at 2:20 or 2:25 for a 3pm service.
Your family knows you care too.
These are almost always close relatives, and for some reason unbeknownst to myself, they feel that the amount of focus they deliver to the smallest details is somehow directly in correlation to the level of their love for the deceased.
Case in point-
A father passes away. The family chooses the services they wish, they go over the service details with the funeral director, ordering flowers, cards, etc. One relative, and it's always just one, will worry about the smallest details. This person will worry about the font that the service order is printed in, they'll worry about which side of the chapel people will be entering on, the temperature of the water that is available, and whether or not the clergy will be clean shaven. They will call at all hours of the night, uncaring about the time or the fact that you need just a moment to shake the cobwebs out of your head before answering their question at 2 AM.
They call to ask what shade of blue the carpet in the funeral home is, what amperage the lighting will be at, and if we'll know to make sure the A/C is on in the chapel on a 99 degree day. (light to medium, 55 watt, and yes, we don't like heat either and we're not stupid)
Let me say that this is a detail oriented business. I want your input at an arrangement so that I can ensure that all goes well. I want you to tell me "roses, not lilies", or "white casket not green". This is important. I am not complaining about this. It is my job to take your request and make it happen. You want doves? I get doves. You want cookies for everyone? I get cookies.
What I am frustrated by is this: "We don't want anyone to send any pink flowers. Can you make sure that doesn't happen?" or... "This card stock isn't heavy enough for the service folders, why don't you have heavier paper?"
As funeral directors, we all know that you are in mourning. You have lost someone special to you. You don't need to prove it. Sitting back and letting me do my job is so much easier on you than stressing about whether you should arrive at 2:20 or 2:25 for a 3pm service.
Your family knows you care too.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Embalming is a bad word...
This is what I was told. The word "Embalming" is too harsh and graphic for those going through the loss of a loved one.
I try my hardest to be sensitive and sympathetic to all of my families. I would never knowingly hurt them, their feelings, or laugh at their expense.
But- If you request embalming, you must sign a form, that, at the top, clearly says "Embalming Authorization". The word embalming is used at least 5 times during the conversation about signing this form. It is printed on the form. Why, then, does it become a bad word after that?
I never used graphic description, didn't overuse the word, didn't emphasize it.
I'm confused.
I try my hardest to be sensitive and sympathetic to all of my families. I would never knowingly hurt them, their feelings, or laugh at their expense.
But- If you request embalming, you must sign a form, that, at the top, clearly says "Embalming Authorization". The word embalming is used at least 5 times during the conversation about signing this form. It is printed on the form. Why, then, does it become a bad word after that?
I never used graphic description, didn't overuse the word, didn't emphasize it.
I'm confused.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My disappointment
People are such a disappointment. I have come to the conclusion that I am in my profession simply to maintain a minimum level of compassion for the human race. Without my career, I would have long turned into a hermit, something akin to the unabomber, but without the explosives.
Lack of moral instillation is what peeves me most. The blatant disregard of humans to other humans boggles me. People are cruel. They have no concern for the other person, and these same people who will gladly cut you off on the freeway, or shove you out of the way to get closer to the checker in the grocery store are also the same ones who will declare that they are believers in human rights, and that torture and the death penalty are wrong.
If you wish to defend and protect your fellow humans, shouldn't you treat them with respect at all times?
It seems that most people today are on "AutoPilot". They go about their lives without really stopping to question if the decisions they make are the right ones.
Should you be working in that dead end job?
Should you go to church because that's what you've always done?
Should you get married just to say that you're attached to someone?
Should you have children?
Should you make the changes you need to in order to be happy?
Most people assume that there are "must do's" in this world...you must get married, you must conform, you must start a family, you must work in a job you hate, you must be unhappy.
There are no right or wrong answers. You must make the best decision for you. And the best decision isn't the one that someone else made. It's the one that you think about, ponder, consider, and chew on, and decide what YOU want.
If most people stopped being on AutoPilot, and stopped to think about things thoroughly, perhaps they'd be happier. Perhaps they'd pay attention to the other human beings on the planet, and show them a little respect.
Remember, you share the world with a ton of other people. Be nice to them in all ways.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
