What NOT to wear...

Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen....to the first of our How-To series in Funeral Etiquette.

You see, it's very important not to embarrass oneself at a funeral, especially where your attire is concerned. For this first installment of the new How-To series, we're going to go over some fashion protocol.

Wait, you want to know why I am schooling you on such a remedial subject? I'll tell you: Everything described here has been personally witnessed by me at a funeral. I speak from actual eye-witness encounters!

Let's begin.

If you are male: The basic fashion rules apply here.
NO:
Socks and Sandals
Wacky Hats
T-shirts with a logo or offensive saying (Yes, leave the Hooters shirt at home.)
Soiled or dirty clothing

That is all. You see, men have limited fashion options, as compared to women. Here is a short list of recommended attire for you gentlemen.
DO:
Wear slacks
Wear a shirt that is neat and clean
Wear shoes

Now, Ladies....your no-no list is longer.

NO:
Cleavage revealing shirts (I can guarantee you, the ONLY guys checking out your rack = the funeral director and his assistant. Gross.)
Hemlines above the knee (I can guarantee you, the ONLY guys checking out your legs/butt are the funeral director and his assistant. Seriously.)
No skin-tight pants, leggings, jeans (Streetwalker much?)
No tall heels (There is a variety of terrain you'll be covering- carpet and hardwood in churches, grass and dirt at the graveside, squishy grass that's just been watered- really, you'll teeter around and be totally uncomfortable)
Strapless anything (while everyone is mourning the loss of their loved one, you're hiking your top up to cover the girls. Classy.)
ANY piece of clothing that you're constantly adjusting, period. Whether it's your top you're hiking up, your pants you're pulling down, your dress you're slouching in to cover your...well, I hope you get the point.

Ladies who dress in a revealing manner at a funeral just come off as desperate and having low self esteem. I mean, really, why did you wear that short dress anyway? Did Aunt Sally like that dress? Prolly not. You wanted attention. And in a dress like that, you wanted male attention. I have NEVER, not once, seen anyone "hook up" at a funeral. The best way for you to call positive attention to yourself is to comfort the family with your words, not with your breasts hanging out everywhere.

Please notice I did not talk about color. Nowadays, it's perfectly acceptable not to wear black. While I prefer it, it's not necessary to wear black to convey your sadness. I've had plenty of funerals where it's been requested that attendees wear a specific color or style. That's pretty awesome.



I can't stress enough- no one is looking at your goods, except the funeral directors. We aren't all perverts, it's just that we have no emotional attachment to the deceased, and we do alot of standing around. So, go ahead, display your goods, if you want that aged guy handing out the prayer cards to stare at you the whole time.

Who are you again?

I wish I could remember every member of every family I've served. I mean that, in a non snarky, sincere way.

There is nothing worse than a family member recognizing you, smiling and calling you by your first name, and I honestly cannot remember who they are. I always remember their face. Always. I usually remember how long ago I served them, but for the life of me, I can't remember their names.

It bothers me because I like to give my best possible service to their family to get them through their tough times of mourning, and make the service they plan (or if they aren't having services, their arrangement meeting) the easiest experience possible for them. I do this because it's my job and I like what I do.

But I feel guilty when I don't remember who in their family died, or their name.

Please don't judge your funeral director for this, they can't remember your loved one's name either. You see, since January, I've met with roughly 120 families....that's only a roundabout estimate in my head. And with each of those 120 families, very seldom is it just one family member making the arrangements. Commonly, 3-4 members of a decedent's family come in, sometimes more, and I've had as many as 17 people in a room, making arrangements for one relative.
(on a side note, DON'T bring 17 people to a funeral arrangement meeting. Don't bring 7. Bring 3-4 people who are decision makers for the family and are going to be financially responsible for the services. Anything over 4 and you're asking for confusion, hurt feelings, and a frazzled funeral director. Funeral arrangements aren't a city council meeting to sit and debate things over.)

Don't expect me to remember your name, just know that I remember serving you, and I hope it was the best service it could have been. It's nothing personal.